This year, I learned few things on the "art of listening" from these books:
- Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness by Arthur Martine
Paul Graham via his wonderful book Hackers & Painters: Big Ideas from the Computer Age taught me how to shut up:
The most important thing is to be able to think what you want, not to say what you want. And if you feel you have to say everything you think, it may inhibit you from thinking improper thoughts. I think it's better to follow the opposite policy. Draw a sharp line between your thoughts and speech. Inside you head, anything is allowed. Within my head I make a point of encouraging the most outrageous thoughts I can imagine. But, as in a secret society, nothing that happens within the building should be told to outsiders. Argue with idiots, and you become an idiot.
If you try to improve your listening skills, you’ll notice a lot of
discussion about “listening with intent.” That phrase means different
things to different people, but here’s how we will use it. Most people
listen with intent to do something – usually to defend themselves, or to
solve a problem. Nearly everyone listens with the intent of having
something ready to say as soon as the speaker is finished. Have you ever
wondered how crazy that is? Shouldn’t there be a pause once in a
while, as one of the speakers actually thinks about what to say, or even
better, thinks about what has been said? Here’s a phenomenon you’ll
observe repeatedly if you look for it: Two speakers, appearing to be
carrying on a conversation, but really just giving two monologues, split
up by each other, one each waiting simply for time on whatever stage he
or she imagines to be on. Call it “talking past each other,” if you
like, it’s clearly a cultural cancer that’s been learned from the
endless chatter on talk radio and cable TV, where you will never hear
the following phrase from a talking head: “That’s a good point; let me
think about that for a moment.”
There is no “thinking for a moment,” on television; in fact, every pause is penalized. Of course, if the speaker is saying something that might be hard to hear – “I hate your product,” or “Why are you so selfish?” all this goes double. Listeners usually can’t wait to leap to their own defense, and spend their time thinking like an attorney who’s planning a closing argument rather than hearing what’s being said. You can imagine how ineffective this is.
There is no “thinking for a moment,” on television; in fact, every pause is penalized. Of course, if the speaker is saying something that might be hard to hear – “I hate your product,” or “Why are you so selfish?” all this goes double. Listeners usually can’t wait to leap to their own defense, and spend their time thinking like an attorney who’s planning a closing argument rather than hearing what’s being said. You can imagine how ineffective this is.
- The Plateau Effect: Getting from Stuck to Success by Bob Sullivan and Hugh Thompson
Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It is a great and difficult talent to be a good listener, but it is one which the well-bred man has to acquire, at whatever pains.
- Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette, and Guide to True Politeness by Arthur Martine
The most important thing is to be able to think what you want, not to say what you want. And if you feel you have to say everything you think, it may inhibit you from thinking improper thoughts. I think it's better to follow the opposite policy. Draw a sharp line between your thoughts and speech. Inside you head, anything is allowed. Within my head I make a point of encouraging the most outrageous thoughts I can imagine. But, as in a secret society, nothing that happens within the building should be told to outsiders. Argue with idiots, and you become an idiot.
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