Buddhist monk Michael Gregory stressed on a lesser-known concept:
“Buddhists are supposed to be nice.” How many times have I heard that one? Buddhists are stereotyped as always being pleasant, soft-spoken and calm, and we aren’t always.
Of course, the Buddha taught the cultivation of loving kindness and compassion. The practice of Right Speech requires abstaining from rude and abusive language. Isn’t that the same thing as being nice?
Maybe not. Many Buddhist teachers have said that being compassionate and being “nice” are two different things. Most of the time, “nice” is mere social convention. It says nothing at all about relating to other people except on a superficial level. Even sociopaths can be nice (I have seen this with my own eyes). Sometimes the guy who is yelling and throwing furniture around is the one who cares.
“Idiot compassion” is a term attributed to the late Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, although he may have borrowed it from the Russian spiritual teacher George Gurdjieff. Idiot compassion can take several forms.
The Rinpoche related it to “doing good” as an act of self-gratification.
“Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that you want to do good to somebody. At this point, good is purely related with pleasure. Idiot compassion also stems from not have enough courage to say no.”
“It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it’s whats called enabling. It’s the general tendency to give people what they want because you can’t bear to see them suffering. Basically, you’re not giving them what they need. You’re trying to get away from your feeling of I can’t bear to see them suffering. In other words, you’re doing it for yourself. You’re not really doing it for them.”
“Nice” is often a strategy to avoid conflict. But isn’t avoiding conflict a good thing? Not always; there are times when engaging in conflict is compassion. Sometimes the urge to be “nice” is about maintaining a polite and pleasant facade over a situation we don’t want to confront.
There is a simpler explanation on Big Think:
Instead of offering a friend medicine, bitter though it may be when ingested, you feed them more poison—at the very least, you don’t take it away from them. This, she says, is not compassion at all. It’s selfishness, as you’re more concerned with your own feelings than attending to your friend’s actual needs.
Granted, saying uncomfortable things to someone close to you is no easy task. If they are violent or depressive, criticism could send them spiraling. Yet enabling is not good either. Stepping up and being a teacher in challenging situations requires great tact and care, and does not always work out how you intended it to.
“Buddhists are supposed to be nice.” How many times have I heard that one? Buddhists are stereotyped as always being pleasant, soft-spoken and calm, and we aren’t always.
Of course, the Buddha taught the cultivation of loving kindness and compassion. The practice of Right Speech requires abstaining from rude and abusive language. Isn’t that the same thing as being nice?
Maybe not. Many Buddhist teachers have said that being compassionate and being “nice” are two different things. Most of the time, “nice” is mere social convention. It says nothing at all about relating to other people except on a superficial level. Even sociopaths can be nice (I have seen this with my own eyes). Sometimes the guy who is yelling and throwing furniture around is the one who cares.
“Idiot compassion” is a term attributed to the late Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, although he may have borrowed it from the Russian spiritual teacher George Gurdjieff. Idiot compassion can take several forms.
The Rinpoche related it to “doing good” as an act of self-gratification.
“Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that you want to do good to somebody. At this point, good is purely related with pleasure. Idiot compassion also stems from not have enough courage to say no.”
“It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it’s whats called enabling. It’s the general tendency to give people what they want because you can’t bear to see them suffering. Basically, you’re not giving them what they need. You’re trying to get away from your feeling of I can’t bear to see them suffering. In other words, you’re doing it for yourself. You’re not really doing it for them.”
“Nice” is often a strategy to avoid conflict. But isn’t avoiding conflict a good thing? Not always; there are times when engaging in conflict is compassion. Sometimes the urge to be “nice” is about maintaining a polite and pleasant facade over a situation we don’t want to confront.
There is a simpler explanation on Big Think:
Instead of offering a friend medicine, bitter though it may be when ingested, you feed them more poison—at the very least, you don’t take it away from them. This, she says, is not compassion at all. It’s selfishness, as you’re more concerned with your own feelings than attending to your friend’s actual needs.
Granted, saying uncomfortable things to someone close to you is no easy task. If they are violent or depressive, criticism could send them spiraling. Yet enabling is not good either. Stepping up and being a teacher in challenging situations requires great tact and care, and does not always work out how you intended it to.
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