I am My Body

I don't have a body, I am a body.

- Christopher Hitchens, Mortality

Growing up in India in the 80's, kids got naturally exposed to death on a regular intervals. There was no sugar coating, no "shrinks", no tailored talks on death and no bullshits to cover the most fundamental education a human being needs to understand and get in terms with. That education was built into the system in the mundanity of everyday life. 

I know intellectually I was going to die one of these days from a long long time. I know emotionally I need to get into the mindset of accepting my shelf life and I have done it with extreme ease - thanks to Buddha, Stoics and Max. Those two levels of acceptance of one's mortality are healthy and good for civilization as a whole. 

Now for the first time, I am feeling that physically. I never wore glasses but for the first time, I am not able to read things I was able to read with ease for decades. My heart hints me that it's kind of getting tried beating for decades now and on occasions tries a different beat. Those two subtle signs are reminding my days on earth are numbered. 

Yes, I am more than healthy and stronger than I was in my 30's and 20's. I can work out with ease, read, think clearly and be active most of hours of the day.  But having seen Max go from a beautiful, playful, and active person to a bed-ridden person in matter of weeks reminds me that my destination would be the the same. It's the part of the deal we all signed up without our consent the day we were born. 

This blog will be a place where I will document my fragility and how my body dissipates in front of eyes slowly over the months or years or decades. Whatever the timeline turns out to be, I will document it here. It's part of evolution and it's important to document the what is happening to the person who I the know best - myself. 

My eyes and heart are the messengers who took my mortal understanding to a visceral level.

What I am curious (but not concerned) about is not that some of my faculties are deteriorating but would other faculties in my body get better to keep me in balance? For example, when a mammal goes blind, his or her hearing gets better.  I don't want to bias myself with changes I had in my body and mind because I lost Max. But I will try observe as humanely as possible if nature has given this mammal an innate capacity to compensate for the losses. 

There might be other questions that I am not aware at this point. Yet another reason for capturing this journey here on this blog which has been a huge part of Max's and my life. 

 If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it.

- Michel de Montaigne