A Rant on Friendship

Love and Friendship are quintessential part of human existence and lack of both probably might have been one of the reasons for the demise of Neanderthals. There is an old Indian adage - "It doesn't matter if you have 60 friends when you are 20 but consider yourself lucky if you have one when you are 60." It's heart-bearking but there is an immense truth in that statement since people change and grow apart in time.

Ben Casnocha writes excellent blog but his posts never has a hint of euphemism. Sometimes bluntness is what we need to see the obvious. Here is one of his old post I loved - The Quest for Platonic Intimacy (but I disagree with his follow up post):

"Growing up, you have only personal, emotional friends. A 10 year-old isn't debating marketing strategy with a colleague from work. But over time, as you enter the workforce and mature, you develop specific intellectual interests (or not). You become intellectually curious. You take on professional interests and goals. For a broadly fulfilling friendship, you need more than pranks or playing sports together. You need to be able to have a stimulating conversation.

So I think around age 18-30 you face a question: Can my personal, emotional friendships develop a meaningful intellectual dimension? If yes, you probably have a life-long friendship that will be deeply rewarding and intimate. If not, you have a relationship worth maintaining but not destined for intimacy.

As you enter your late 20's and 30's, you're meeting people mostly in a professional context with intellectualism as the animating force. Work as a social place is an environment not as naturally conducive as school or a youth sports team to personal, emotional intimacy. More authentic "social" time must be scheduled in advance due to a busy schedule and perhaps a family of your own, which means it happens less often.

Hence the second, harder question asked a few years later and for rest of life: Can my professional, intellectual friendships develop a meaningful emotional dimension?"

"Not all or even most friendships need to fit all of the boxes (personal, professional, emotional, intellectual). But the best friendships -- the intimate ones -- do, especially both emotional and intellectual boxes.

What do I mean by "intimacy"? Intimacy is a concept not exclusive to romance. I think it's also a potential descriptor of high-wattage interactions, feelings, and trust between two platonic friends. In a romantic relationship intimacy can be conveyed via physical contact -- just snuggle up with her/him. In a platonic friendship intimacy must be expressed mostly via words and body language. So it can be hard to pin down in a friendship.

Here's one possible sign of intimacy: When you're with this friend, does your best and most natural self come out? Does being the person you want to be become effortless?"

We should consider ourselves lucky if we have friend(s) who quenches our emotional and intellectual needs. If we don't, life becomes stale.