There are quite a few people I don't have in my life since Max passed away. The reason being, Max's relationship with me and my relationship with him had no visible impact on their busy lives. Max and I welcomed them into our lives (with no expectations) for years but if this was a game - society won to influence them better than we did.
Last Friday, Tim Ferris in his 5-bullet Friday newsletter recommended this insightful piece from Maria Popava. In hindsight, this is what any relationship should offer, and during Max's last months, I was expecting this as a default behavior. So much for no expectations, talk about human desires...
The four mantras from Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Thich Nhat Hanh:
First Mantra
When you love someone, the best thing you can offer that person is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? Come back to yourself, look into [their] eyes, and say, “Darling, you know something? I’m here for you.” You’re offering [them] your presence. You’re not preoccupied with the past or the future; you are there for your beloved. You must say this with your body and with your mind at the same time, and then you will see the transformation.
Second Mantra
“Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy.” To be there is the first step, and recognizing the presence of the other person is the second step. Because you are fully there, you recognize that the presence of your beloved is something very precious. You embrace your beloved with mindfulness, and he or she will bloom like a flower. To be loved means first of all to be recognized as existing.
Third Mantra
Even before you do anything to help, your wholehearted presence already brings some relief, because when we suffer, we have great need for presence of the person we love. If we are suffering and the person we love ignores us, we suffer more. So what you can do — right away — is to manifest your true presence to your beloved and say the mantra with all your mindfulness: “Dear one, I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.” And already your loved one will feel better.
Your presence is a miracle, your understanding of his or her pain is a miracle, and you are able to offer this aspect of your love immediately. Really try to be there, for yourself, for life, for the people you love. Recognize the presence of those who live in the same place as you, and try to be there when one of them is suffering, because your presence is so precious for this person.
Fourth Mantra
This mantra is for when you are suffering and you believe that your beloved has caused you suffering. If someone else had done the same wrong to you, you would have suffered less. But this is the person you love the most, so you suffer deeply, and the last thing you feel like doing is to ask that person for help… So now it is your pride that is the obstacle to reconciliation and healing. According to the teaching of the Buddha, in true love there is no place for pride.
When you are suffering like this, you must go to the person you love and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. You must overcome your pride. You must always go to him or her. That is what this mantra is for. Practice for yourself first, to bring about oneness of your body and mind before going to the other person to say the fourth mantra: “Dear one, I am suffering; please help.” This is very simple but very hard to do.
Without even knowing these mantras, I did follow the first three mantras with Max. And I heard the fourth mantra from Max through his playful and powerful eyes. My fault with others, I didn't articulate the fourth mantra and expected it to be heard by default. I failed to learn that lesson from Max. I have learned it now.
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