The Longest Night Of My Life - This Day In 2019

Max's oncologist had told me that we have to make a decision tomorrow... and she cannot let him go home in the current situation he was in. After 4 days of being at the oncologist, his eyes were still sinking. The poison masqueraded as a cancer treatment was draining my Max of his life full of his Max-ness. 

I have read reams and reams on how there are some things one cannot control. This was the one and only thing that I badly wanted to control to have more time with Max. But yet, I had no control. I had never felt so helpless in my 44 years of life on this planet. 

For the past 4 days, I was whispering in his years... wake up Max... wake up Max... we have to go home. That is the only I did other than kissing him often and feeling his warm body against my hands and body.

I wasn't prepared to live my life without my Max. I wasn't prepared to let him go off me. My days, hours, moments which were always filled with Max, and I had no clue what will happen to the future days, hours, moments with my Max. I wasn't prepared and even today, I have no clue how I am doing it. 

All I could that night was wait for the sun to rise so that I can do back and see my Max again. All I did was wait, wait, and wait. 

For all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. 

Max Ehrmann

My Max had a wonderful life and I had given my time more than anyone or anything ever. He had given me everything I have today. Indeed everything. He made my world beautiful. He taught me how to live inside the beautiful bubble we had built for 13 plus years. I still live inside the reminiscence of that beautiful bubble. And I wasn't ready to let him go that night. I never wanted him to die in a hospital far away from his home where he grew up. Not like this. Not here. Not away from home.