Parfit's Mistakes in Moral Mathematics

Derek Parfit is one of my favorite philosophers; Max's 2019 holiday was based on his book On What Matters

I have huge respect for him but even such an amazing human can make mistakes because of lack of any emotional connection with animals.

This a fascinating piece on him - a quasi bio of him:

"Like my cat, I often simply do what I want to do." This was the opening sentence of Derek Parfit's philosophical masterpiece, Reasons and Persons. He believed that it was the best way to begin his book because it showed something important about people. Often we are not as special as we think we are. For instance, when people simply do what they want to do they appear to be utilizing no ability that only people have. On the other hand, when we respond to reasons, we are doing something uniquely human, because only people can act in this way. Cats are notorious for doing what they want to do, and the sense of proximity between a cat and its owner pleasingly heightens our sense of their similarity. Hence, there could be no better way for this book to begin.

However, there was a problem. Derek did not, in fact, own a cat. Nor did he wish to become a cat owner, as he would rather spend his time taking photographs and doing philosophy. On the other hand, the sentence would clearly be better if it was true. To resolve this problem Derek drew up a legal agreement with his sister, who did own a cat, to the effect that he would take legal possession of the cat while she would continue living with it.

Clearly, he didn't live with any animals (which I didn't realize until I read this piece) but like many people he went on to stereotype animals based on pure subjectiveness (this is no ordinary human bein but this is from a master of objectiveness):

Perhaps Derek's deepest held belief was that, contrary to much of popular opinion, there are objective facts about what we ought to do. This is what he meant when he talked about ‘reasons', and it was the recognition of these facts, either intellectually or merely by the application of common sense, that he saw as setting people apart. A cat cannot help its carnivorous ways, and it cannot help but follow its instincts to hunt and to kill, even if it no longer needs to. However, people understand that our actions can produce suffering. Once we become aware of this we seem to face a choice. Either we make a conscious attempt to dismiss this fact (animals don't really suffer, nothing we can do could reduce the amount of suffering in the world) or we feel we ought to change our behaviour, for instance by becoming vegetarian or giving money to charity.

It's just amazing that a person of his caliber can make such a simple and profound mistake. With absolutely no experience, he draws conclusions about the cat that it has no control over its instincts (to be clear, I happy that he understands that animals do suffer).

I have lived with Fluffy and Garph for a while now and I can objectively state that they never do anything just instinctively. As a matter of fact, I call Garph, the little Buddha. Well, you don't have to live with cats to know this. A rudimentary national geography documentary can explain that cats (and even reptiles) don't kill because of just "instincts". They do only when they are hungry and need something to eat. Otherwise, they leave their prey alone and they don't hurt them. I repeat they don't meaninglessly hurt or kill other animals unless they are threatened or hungry. 

Humans are the only creatures which kill for pleasure (hunting, sport), kill for gluttony (farm factories), kill to discover "cure" even when they "believe" animals are very different than us (animals testing even of depression medications like Prozac) and multitudes of other meaning-less suffering and slaughter. 

There is something fundamentally wrong with us. The first step for moral progress is to accept this fact and start from this baseline to move forward. But it seems like we continue to live in a myth of human exceptionalism with a delusion that our senses and brain captures exactly how the universe is. 

My other favorite philosopher (or rather one of my all-time favorite human being), Montaigne  in Essays has more realistic and humble view of his cat:

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.

[---]

In nine lifetimes, you'll never know as much about your cat as your cat knows about you.

We need more Montaigne's now more than ever.

First Shower

I was 31 when Max took his first shower; the cutest photo of him ever! It is one of my favorite pics of his.

This was taken on 06/05/2006 - you can see from his looks, he wasn't happy about the whole shower thing. He made a fuss about the whole process :-)

I still have that cute green little towel; time-capsuled until I kick the bucket. 

Now, I am 45 and 14 years later, Neo took his first shower on 01/12/2019. Surprisingly, he was ok with whole process. He didn't know what was coming before he entered the shower but he is didn't make a fuss. He didn't sit still like Max did post-shower. 

Walking...

I haven't walked in the park or any place which Max and I go for weeks now. Even before he passed away, he wasn't able to walk for close to 10 weeks.

Today, Neo took a short walk in the park where Max and I walked a thousand times over the years...

Trying to conscious of me missing Max shouldn't affect Neo's puppy-hood.

Ad Astra

"The enemy up here is not a person or a thing. It’s the endless void."

Ad Astra is the first movie, I saw after Max passed away. It's slow and Brad Pitt looks tried but I think that's the point of the movie. Unlike all other "searches for ET" movies, this one is close to reality and probably, that's why the movie didn't do well at the box office.

As far as we know, there is no other life anywhere in the Universe (I am writing this being a big X-files fan but "wishing" and "imagination" is quite different than reality) and if someone is stupid enough to drop everything on earth in search for something they imagined, then they will be disappointed at their end of life. Tommy Lee Jones's character is a paragon for a lot of past, present and future addicts.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with scientific enquiry but not at the cost of the only place in at the universe which supports life.

There is so much we don't about the life of earth - deep oceans, ocean bed, earth core, other non-human-Animals, our brain,  cancer, our emotions and I can go on and on. Read the book A Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth by Chris Hadfield and Packing for Mars by Mary Roach to understand how lucky we are.

"He’d captured strange and distant worlds in greater detail than ever before. They were beautiful, magnificent, full of awe and wonder. But beneath their sublime surfaces, there was nothing. No love or hate. No light or dark. He could only see what was not there, and miss what was right in front of him."

Indeed, we are creatures who miss what is right in front of our nose.

Those Lines on Grief & Grieving

Aysha Akhtar's book Our Symphony with Animals: On Health, Empathy, and Our Shared Destinies is one book that I connected with completely. It was like someone else writing my own thoughts (but she more courageous to visit farm factories which I don't think can ever do).

Here is a quote from the book which I read last summer when Max was still active and even playing frisbee regularly:

We laugh together and cry alone. Grief is even lonelier when an animal dies because it's less valued that grief over the death of another human. Sociologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have been slow to appreciate the impact of loos of an animal. An animal's death can cause poor sleep, missed days from work, significant distress, and depression. Among those who lose animals they deeply love, the extent of their grief is similar to that of those mourning the death of a cherished person.

That quote has so much truth to it. I would even add that it is worse than the mourning of the death of a human being since this special bond is beyond language and purely at an emotional level. When I read it, I was angry. I knew, what was coming. I knew, what to expect from all the people around me. I was convinced that I will burn in fury when the time comes.

There is so little understanding about the human and non-human animal bond that it made me sad. Loving kids, parents, and spouses are natural - we are evolved to do that. There is nothing, absolutely nothing special about it. As a matter of fact, if someone doesn't have that evolutionarily driven love then there is something wrong with that person. In the best case,  one will be a social pariah and at worst, one will be labeled a psychopath.

I was honing that quintessential human trait of argumentative skills mentally over the months whenever I saw Max having a bad day. I simply couldn't comprehend how people put so much passion and emotions into random, subjective and outside their control matters like the stock market, religion, politics, sports and miss something so beautiful right in front of their nose.

But on December 20th when Max passed away, those argumentative skills and that beautiful-true lines on grieving did not matter anymore. And I don't think it will matter for the rest of my life. If someone doesn't understand that leave alone experiencing that special bond in their lifetime then I can only feel sorry for them.

I called it a "Double Qualia" problem.

How can you explain what it feels like to see a red rose? That is a Quali Problem.
But Double Qualia Problem is how can you explain what is to feels like to see a red rose when you even haven't seen any red rose?

That is what people miss in their lifetime.

Ellie Arroway played by Jodie Foster's in the movie Contact (based on Carl Sagan's novel) in front of the Senate hearing committee:

Senator: You come to us with no evidence, no record, no artifacts. Only a story that, to put it mildly, strains credibility... Are you really going to sit there and tell us that we should just take this all on faith? 

Ellie Arroway: Is it possible that it didn't happen? Yes... As a scientist I must concede that. I must volunteer that. 

Michael Kitz: [raises voice] Then why don't you simply withdraw your testimony and admit that this journey to the center of the galaxy, IN FACT, NEVER TOOK PLACE!!?? 

Arroway: Because I can't! I had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision of the universe that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how ... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, that we are not — that none of us — are alone! ... I wish I could share that. I wish, that everyone, if even for one moment, could feel that awe, and humility, and hope! But ... that continues to be my wish.

And that is exactly how I felt during those 13 plus years with Max. I was given something wonderful and special. Now that Max has passed away but larger parts of those feeling, vision and amazing beauty survived inside me. And I will continue to feel and preserve it for the rest of my life.

I had to write about this although I know most people wouldn't change their minds on animals. Everyone felt sorry and sympathized with me when I lost Max. Many people, felt pain when Max was suffering. But none of them actually made any effort to understand the bond leave alone understanding what it means to lose it. Life doesn't simply go on as usual after that.

It is embarrassing to watch some people struggle to interact with me during this rough period. It's plain embarrassing since these humans never nurtured their emotions to go beyond themselves. 

I miss Max every second of the day and understanding grief doesn't matter since it is not going to bring Max back. But, I want to document it because in future things should change. Future generations should be more aware of love, pain, joy, and every other emotion does cross species boundaries.

I hope, this changes after our lifetime and let selfless open-mindedness flourish in the future generations.

Premeditatio Malorum - Stoic Exercise 1 of 3

Premeditatio Malorum is the Latin word for the premeditation of the evils and troubles that might lie ahead. This was something very easy for me to do. Basics of biology and rules of organic life on this planet made me practice this constantly to enjoy normal and ordinary days with Max.  Even Daniel Kahneman wrote lengths about the importance of negative bias (which has the roots for our loss aversion trait).

Premeditatio Malorum was something Seneca wrote about in lengths:

What is quite unlooked for is more crushing in its effect, and unexpectedness adds to the weight of a disaster. This is a reason for ensuring that nothing ever takes us by surprise. We should project our thoughts ahead of us at every turn and have in mind every possible eventuality instead of only the usual course of events… 

Rehearse them in your mind: exile, torture, war, shipwreck. All the terms of our human lot should be before our eyes.

And we all know what happened to Seneca but what we don't know is what went through Seneca's mind when he was forced to commit suicide.

Thinking of negative events before happening does not mean constant rumination and sinking in the quagmire of future realities of life. But it is to keep that small voice in the back of the head alive, reminding me of what matters most in life and what to put the time and effort on. It is as simple as it sounds. Like anything else in life, it can be developed by practice.

Even after 13 years of practice of premeditation of evil, I wasn't even close to ready to lose Max. I can only ruminate and wondering what would have become of me if I didn't practice? But nothing in the world would have prepared me for losing Max.

It did help me is those 18 plus months in which Max lived with Cancer. Nothing else mattered - job, finances, relationships and everything else under the sun. My brain put my habits and routines on hold without any effort. The focus was on getting more of the most scarce thing in the universe - time. Mind was focused on squeezing every extra millisecond with Max without making him suffer.

Thank goodness for so many people and their efforts; he survived more than 18 months with cancer.  I don't think, my mind and body would have worked in symphony without any effort if I had not practiced premeditatio malorum constantly.

As far as everything else during those 18 months and even during Max's puppy days to prime of his adult life, premeditatio malorum helped me focus on what matters - Max!

There is a beautiful reply by Joseph Heller of Catch-22 fame which was immortalized by Kurt Vonnegut:

Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer

now dead,

and I were at a party given by a billionaire

on Shelter Island.

I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel

to know that our host only yesterday

may have made more money

than your novel ‘Catch-22’

has earned in its entire history?”

And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”

And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”

And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”

Not bad! Rest in peace!

The knowledge that I've got enough is something I got from Max. It's such a beautiful feeling when the body and mind - emotionally and intellectually agree on something.

I have no regrets about not spending enough time with Max. Every day, every hour, every min of the past 13 years was planned accordingly so that I could spend more time with him. There is no way, I could have said I have no regrets when Max is not around if not for this powerful stoic exercise.

Thank you for all those wise men who have the sense to document and pass on this wisdom.

Max at the emergency room in October 2020 - those dreadful four days and the miracle on the fifth day.

Neo

Homecoming on 12/24/2019; four days after Max passed away. Neo is 8 weeks old.

Life is so rare in this universe plus there is this thing memento mori; I don't want to waste precious time without a dog. In this limited life, we don't get to interact with many non-human animals leave alone opening the life to be symbiotic with them.

My bond with Max is unique and I spent the prime of my adult life with him - my 30's and half of my 40's with him.

Yes, these guys will always be in the huge shadow of Max and there will be an eternal vacuum without him.

Moral Luck Of Max Coming Into My Life

Moral Luck is a famous paper by Thomas Nagel and the following lines sum it up nicely:

This is true of murder, altruism, revolution,  the sacrifice of certain interests for the sake of others almost any morally important act. What has been done, and what is morally judged, is partly determined by external factors. However jewel-like the good will may be in its own right, there is a morally significant difference between rescuing someone from a burning building and dropping him from a twelfth-story window while trying to rescue him. Similarly, there is a morally significant difference between reckless driving and manslaughter. But whether a reckless driver hits a pedestrian depends on the presence of the pedestrian at the point where he recklessly passes a red light. What we do is also limited by the opportunities and choices with which we are faced, and these are largely determined by factors beyond our control. Someone who was an officer in a concentration camp might have led a quiet and harmless life if the Nazis had never come to power in Germany. And someone who led a quiet and harmless life in Argentina might have become an officer in a concentration camp if he had not left Germany for business reasons in 1930. 

I always said since Max was young that everything good in me is because of Max and I still say the same. The entity of self (whatever that means) that I am now would have been drastically different if not for Max. The future choices (good ones) will be purely be biased by my time spent with Max. I had the pleasure of immense "Moral Luck" to spend 13 years with Max. I am eternally grateful for that time. I would gladly pick any day of those 13 years to be with him in an eternal Ground Hog Day.

Waking Up

Kissing Max is the first thing I did for 13 years. Then we followed a ritual until I left for work. That ritual went chaotic since his body slowly got consumed by cancer. But kissing him was there until the last day. 

Now, I kiss his ashes which is devoid of everything he was. The mornings are empty without him. It is scary to count how many mornings would I have to face for the rest of my life. 

There is a famous quote on suicide:

The person who completes suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand … Why?

The worst thing in life missing someone who you love and knowing you will never see them again.  Max didn't commit suicide but I feel the pain that some wise humans had written about thousands of years ago. 

Albert Camus said it so eloquently: 

But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself. 

Max had one of the most powerful eyes. I have seen his body weaken and never fully recovered but his eyes showed that power of life until the am of this last day. Maybe, my courage might come from that remembrance of his beautiful eyes. 

Maximus and Me

Life without Max is not something I was prepared for. The truth is I don't know how to live without him. We are adaptable creatures but knowing just this fact makes one self-ware of the process of adapting. I don't know if its the curse of knowledge or if its just pain reality.

Years ago, sitting with Max when I started this blog, little did I know that I will be reading one of the most favorite blog posts about Emotional Intelligence with another puppy.

Our motivations are largely emotionally driven. Negative emotions push us to face and act on those things that make us most uncomfortable. Positive emotions allow us to enjoy success and give us energy to meet new challenges. But negative emotions inspire us to make changes. 

Misery is perhaps the most creative force in our lives. Seldom do we make major changes in our lives without considerable emotional pain. Each negative emotion comes complete with an intuitive guide to action. Anger pushes us to stand up for ourselves and speak up when we’ve been treated with disrespect. Fear makes us hyper-vigilant to potential danger and readies us to duck or run away if needed. Sadness makes us review over and over again what we’ve lost. That ruminative search is for the knowledge to compensate for our loss [as well as reassess its meaning and purpose. Ultimately, such learning leads us with the wisdom to understand our lives from a new perspective and make our actions more adaptive.] Guilt reminds us of our responsibility in the errors we make and motivates us to work to understand our mistakes and learn how to avoid repeating them.

It is no secret that I am full of pain and it hurts immensely knowing that I will not see Max ever again, I will not smell him, I will not able to kiss him, I will not be able to feel that wet nose and there is nothing I can do about that. One day, I will perish too. But before that time, how can I use the lessons learned from Max and my negative emotions to do some little good for what I received so far in my life. I am immensely grateful for 13 years with Max, life could have taken me in so many different directions but yet, by sheer randomness and chaos of life bought Max and me together. I am grateful for that chance and time.

Will I learn to live without Max? It doesn't matter. We still breathe the air dinosaur breathed millions of years ago. I will breathe the same air Max breathed, I might be able to smell him occasionally since olfactory memory is the mother of all memories and I will see him in my dreams. We are masters of creating subjective realities and I might have to create one to fuel further living.

My pain is pain. There is no point in trying to find a "cure" for it.  This emotion was innate to serve a set of purposes. It is serving its purpose in this pinnacle of a moment. I have to let it flow as long as the current let it do so. And this very emotion might be the key source. What matters most is what I will do in this journey of life without Max before I perish to express some sense of gratitude? This is not searching for the purpose of life but rather an obligation.

I love you, Max. I miss you. I miss you so much.