Those Lines on Grief & Grieving

Aysha Akhtar's book Our Symphony with Animals: On Health, Empathy, and Our Shared Destinies is one book that I connected with completely. It was like someone else writing my own thoughts (but she more courageous to visit farm factories which I don't think can ever do).

Here is a quote from the book which I read last summer when Max was still active and even playing frisbee regularly:

We laugh together and cry alone. Grief is even lonelier when an animal dies because it's less valued that grief over the death of another human. Sociologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have been slow to appreciate the impact of loos of an animal. An animal's death can cause poor sleep, missed days from work, significant distress, and depression. Among those who lose animals they deeply love, the extent of their grief is similar to that of those mourning the death of a cherished person.

That quote has so much truth to it. I would even add that it is worse than the mourning of the death of a human being since this special bond is beyond language and purely at an emotional level. When I read it, I was angry. I knew, what was coming. I knew, what to expect from all the people around me. I was convinced that I will burn in fury when the time comes.

There is so little understanding about the human and non-human animal bond that it made me sad. Loving kids, parents, and spouses are natural - we are evolved to do that. There is nothing, absolutely nothing special about it. As a matter of fact, if someone doesn't have that evolutionarily driven love then there is something wrong with that person. In the best case,  one will be a social pariah and at worst, one will be labeled a psychopath.

I was honing that quintessential human trait of argumentative skills mentally over the months whenever I saw Max having a bad day. I simply couldn't comprehend how people put so much passion and emotions into random, subjective and outside their control matters like the stock market, religion, politics, sports and miss something so beautiful right in front of their nose.

But on December 20th when Max passed away, those argumentative skills and that beautiful-true lines on grieving did not matter anymore. And I don't think it will matter for the rest of my life. If someone doesn't understand that leave alone experiencing that special bond in their lifetime then I can only feel sorry for them.

I called it a "Double Qualia" problem.

How can you explain what it feels like to see a red rose? That is a Quali Problem.
But Double Qualia Problem is how can you explain what is to feels like to see a red rose when you even haven't seen any red rose?

That is what people miss in their lifetime.

Ellie Arroway played by Jodie Foster's in the movie Contact (based on Carl Sagan's novel) in front of the Senate hearing committee:

Senator: You come to us with no evidence, no record, no artifacts. Only a story that, to put it mildly, strains credibility... Are you really going to sit there and tell us that we should just take this all on faith? 

Ellie Arroway: Is it possible that it didn't happen? Yes... As a scientist I must concede that. I must volunteer that. 

Michael Kitz: [raises voice] Then why don't you simply withdraw your testimony and admit that this journey to the center of the galaxy, IN FACT, NEVER TOOK PLACE!!?? 

Arroway: Because I can't! I had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision of the universe that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how ... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, that we are not — that none of us — are alone! ... I wish I could share that. I wish, that everyone, if even for one moment, could feel that awe, and humility, and hope! But ... that continues to be my wish.

And that is exactly how I felt during those 13 plus years with Max. I was given something wonderful and special. Now that Max has passed away but larger parts of those feeling, vision and amazing beauty survived inside me. And I will continue to feel and preserve it for the rest of my life.

I had to write about this although I know most people wouldn't change their minds on animals. Everyone felt sorry and sympathized with me when I lost Max. Many people, felt pain when Max was suffering. But none of them actually made any effort to understand the bond leave alone understanding what it means to lose it. Life doesn't simply go on as usual after that.

It is embarrassing to watch some people struggle to interact with me during this rough period. It's plain embarrassing since these humans never nurtured their emotions to go beyond themselves. 

I miss Max every second of the day and understanding grief doesn't matter since it is not going to bring Max back. But, I want to document it because in future things should change. Future generations should be more aware of love, pain, joy, and every other emotion does cross species boundaries.

I hope, this changes after our lifetime and let selfless open-mindedness flourish in the future generations.