Amor Fati - Stoic Exercise 3 of 3

This is Part-3 of how Stoic exercises that helped me (Part-1 on Premeditatio Malorum and Part-2 on Memento Mori).

Premeditatio Malorum and Memento Mori are easy ones for me to practice. The whole idea is to imagine from a subjective point of view on how objective it would feel when it happens (no question - it will happen). Being a human - the masters of imagination, it naturally came to me and practice didn't seem like practice.

Amor Fati as Ryan Holiday describes:

When we accept what happens to us, after understanding that certain things— particularly bad things—are outside our control, we are left with this: loving whatever happens to us and facing it with unfailing cheerfulness and strength.

It is the hardest exercise for me to follow since here one has to go from an objective standpoint into imagining a subjective point of view that might never happen. In other words, one has to consciously practice self-deception when one is emotionally weak.

How can I see anything positive in Max leaving me? The truth is there is none. And having read and loved so much on Robert Trivers mostly unknown and underrated research on self-deception makes it even worse.

Most people would see the positive thing in his passing (a quintessential "proven" human ways to delude oneself after the loss of their loved one) stating one or all of the these:

• Max is not hurting anymore and he is in a better place now - whatever that place is supposed to be; the best place in the universe for Max was always Home. I am not sure what that better place is. 
• I don't have to suffer with him anymore and use my time now productively - my time revolved around Max and without him, I don't grasp the concept of time. I am living inside David Eagleman's research on timewarp and perception of time which creates a fourth dimension inside the brain. Time has stopped and it has slowed down since Max.
• Everyone has to go one day; it is the rule and reality of life - knowing this doesn't make the loss any more bearable or insignificant. 
• And multitudes of other social "dances" - drinking, finding god, sex, being with friends, going on a vacation, reading, finding oneself (whatever that means) and other self-indulging mindless acts to help the brain forget the reality. These are convenient excuses to live inside the self-centered world masquerading as self-pity and grief. 

There was a time in my life when I had nothing - absolutely nothing and then Max came into my life. I am so glad that I didn't kill myself before meeting him. We had an ordinary life filled with beauty and wonder for 13 plus years. I cannot ask for more.

And now, I have everything but Max is not around.  These ironies of life are what few wise men have written and warned us for thousands of years. I am grateful that I was lucky enough to read and understand a few of their wisdom.

There is absolutely nothing positive about losing Max and I cannot delude myself into thinking otherwise. I saw Max take his final breath... he was struggling and finally, he stopped breathing and went into eternal stillness. Maybe, I have to keep breathing until it stops and until then, do whatever little I can do leave this world a little better place than the one I inherited.

There is a beautiful monologue by Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away - "I Have Ice In My Glass":



I really don't need the tide to bring me a sail. I have already had more than a lion's share luck when the tide bought Max when I was just 31 years old. I don't want nor wish for another one. It would be absolutely selfish of me to ask for more. It's about time I start giving back.

So the positive and objective things now that Max is not around are that I can breathe. I can walk. I am healthy. I have food. I have water. I have not one but three therapists. I live in the most powerful country with all the best comforts possible than any other time in history. I am so grateful for all of that.

And most importantly, I have lessons from Max on how to live and how to die. That is the greatest gift I got without even wishing for it. Now, all I have to do is keep breathing and not forget how grateful life has been to me.

I am not the first nor the last to feel these sorts of pain. Albert Camus went through worse (and to make things even worse, he was in bad health):

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

To discover that invincible summer, one has to emote with reason and reason with emotions outside of self and their self-centered families. No doubt, Max taught me well to survive in an eternal winter with no summer in sight.

In The Unbearable Lightness of Being Milan Kundera observed a fundamental truth we all ignore:

Mankind’s true moral test consists of its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals. And in this respect, mankind has suffered a fundamental debacle, a debacle so fundamental that all others stem from it.

I just need to keep breathing and help undo that fundamental debacle in whatever small ways possible to eliminate animal suffering.

P.S:

In Antifragile, Taleb observed a natural state of Amor Fati:

The excess energy released from overreaction to setbacks is what innovates!

That applies to different situations. To be precise, that applies to bad things that are caused by other humans. 

But Albert Camus once again showed us a path which goes beyond Amor Fati: 

Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?

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The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.